Handicapped
by Dreamer-in-the-dark
Summary: What happens when Spike looses his sight? Written for a blind friend of the family. Rating for Spike's bad mouth and minor sexual references
1. 1

It was a whole month since Spike had moved in with the AI team. One whole month of hell for everyone except Fred. Spike liked Fred for some reason.

On the day of his monthly anniversary, Spike came down the stairs cheerfully and eyes everyone. "Is this all you do all day? Sit around and mope? I mean, I would've expected it from Angel... but you lot as well?" he grinned at Angel. "Clearly you're having a bad affect on them, mate." Spike dodged the paperweight that came flying his way and once again eyed the miserable bunch.

Fred, Cordy, Gunn and Wesley were all sitting around looking like a wet weekend, and Angel was pacing with his brood face on overdrive.

"Seriously, what's the matter?" Spike asked, perching on the arm of one of the chairs.

Four long faces and one dark one turned to look at him. Finally Cordelia spoke. "One of our cases was a teenage girl who was being targeted by vampires..." Cordy trailed off and Spike looked at her nonplussed.

"And?"

"And she died. This morning." Angel finished sharply and Spike nodded slowly.

"Ah..." he pretended to look pensive for the appropriate few seconds then clapped his hands, jerking everyone out of their stupor. "Well, no use crying over spilt milk eh?" He jumped up happily. "What killed her? Lets go kill it now."

"Who'd have thought it, Blondie wants to kill something," Gunn said dryly. Spike scowled at him then looked at Angel. He sidled over to where the other vampire was leaning against the desk and whispered so the others couldn't hear.

"Pleeaase Sire? Lets go and have some fun..." He fixed Angel with his baby blue eyes and Angel looked away.

"I already killed them."

Spike frowned. "That wasn't very nice. Now I don't get to have and fun." He mooched over to the fridge and opened it, then slammed it shut again and glared at Angel. "Why is there no blood in here?" he demanded.

Angel turned. "Oh... I must've drank it all. No wonder I feel so full."

Spike scowled. "Well I don't. I feel empty. I'm HUNGRY, Angelus, and there's no blood in the fridge!"

"It's Angel," said Cordy automatically.

Spike felt his stomach twinge, telling him that he needed blood, and after one last glare at everyone, he stomped back upstairs, muttering obscenities under his breath.

"Well he was a breath of fresh air," Cordy commented.

Angel looked up the stairs after Spike. "I should really get some more blood for him..." he said to himself. Cordy raised her eyebrows at that and got to her feet.

"What? Angel you're not seriously thinking about giving in to his petty little demands? He's just like a child, you've gotta be firm with them," she told him.

"But I know what it's like to be really hungry. It's not a nice feeling. And it's not like he did anything to deserve it..." Angel trailed off at the looks he was getting and sighed resignedly. He glanced up the stairs again, then turned his concentration back to his friends.

Fred surprised everyone by saying brightly, "Angel, were you aware that Spike goes into your room at night?" Everyone stared at her. "Oh sorry, I just thought, since we're on the subject of Spike an' all, I'd mention it."

"Spike goes in my room?" Angel asked at the same time as Gunn, Cordy as Wesley all said;

"Spike goes in your room?!"

Angel looked baffled. "I never knew this! Are you sure, Fred?"

Fred nodded. "He waits till you're asleep. I don't know what he does though."

There was a sudden thump, followed by a string of colourful British curses from upstairs. Cordelia snorted.

"How come we never hear you use language like that Wesley?"

Wesley preened himself. "I like to think it's because I was brought up well."

Angel felt slightly put out, and Wesley suddenly realised what he'd said. "Oh, Angel, I didn't mean... it's just that, well, Spike's a vampire and..." he ran out of words to say and Angel smiled emptily at him.

"It's ok Wes. I know what you meant." He glanced wistfully up the stairs yet again. Having Spike living with him was strange to say the least. In one sense, he hated Spike for reminding him of everything he was. And yet, he still felt that lingering Sire feeling that had been so strong as Angelus. Angelus'... love, perhaps – for the boy was still there and Angel couldn't help feeling protective over the vampire he still thought of as a fledgling.

Uh. Why was everything so confusing?

"I'm going upstairs," he announced generally, and silently padded up the stairs as new conversation broke out between Gunn and Cordelia.

Spike was in the room Angel had given him, and by the sounds of things he was re-arranging the furniture, because the occasional thud could still be heard from his room, followed predictably by the standard cry of 'Ow! Bloody hell!'

Angel knocked and opened the door. Or at least he tried to. The door was jammed with something heavy.

"Spike, open the door," he said patiently.

"I can't."

"What do you mean you can't? Move whatever is blocking it out of the way!"

"It's stuck."

"Well how did it get there?"

Angel heard Spike cough and mumble something.

"What was that?"

"I was trying to... make a den..." he said rather sheepishly.

Angel blinked. A den? Like one of those things children make out of bedsheets and toy boxes? "What?"

Spike snarled defensively. "I was bored! You were being all poufy and annoying me and I was just bored. Only the wardrobe fell over and I keep trying to lift it but it's caught in the curtains and I don't want to rip them cos've the sun."

Angel sighed patiently. "Spike, let me in. Rip the curtains if you have to, I'll get you some new ones."

Spike didn't answer but Angel heard the sounds of him lifting the wardrobe and predictably, ripping the curtains. Then there was a loud hiss and the wardrobe thumped back down on the floor. Angel was surprised it didn't go through the floor.

"Spike, what happened?"

"OW! Bloody sunlight just burnt me 's what happened! You can come in now, the wardrobe's out of the way."

Angel opened the door and walked in. Spike was sucking his hand, sitting on the bed. The rest of the room was in complete disarray, nothing was where it should be, and nothing looked particularly organised either.

Angel wanted to hit his head very hard on the wall. He should've known Spike would do something like this. Spike himself was still cradling his burnt hand. Angel sat beside him and prised it away from Spike's mouth.

"Let me see," he said, and Spike whimpered. Angel rolled his eyes. "It's hardly anything! You've been injured worse than this before Spike!"

Spike scowled and snatched his hand back. "Well it's gonna take ages to heal now, thanks to the lack of blood around here." He shot Angel a nasty look.

Angel sighed. "I would go and get you some more, but it's daytime."

"Well get one of your minions to do it," Spike replied sourly.

"They're not 'minions', Spike."

"Why not? They work for you don't they?"

"They're my friends."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Tell one of your 'friends' to get some then."

"They won't."

"Then threaten them."

"NO! We do not threaten my friends, is that clear, Spike?" Angel said sternly.

"Angelus would've," Spike muttered coldly, and retreated to the back of the bed. Angel followed, feeling a little bit gutted.

He sat beside Spike for a couple of seconds. "Are you seriously telling me you liked Angelus more?" he asked quietly.

Spike didn't answer for a while. "Yes. No... maybe," he said, equally quietly.

Angel started brooding again, thinking of all the cruel things he had once done, not just to humans, but to Spike too. Eventually he snapped out of it. It was making his head hurt.

"It's only a couple of hours till sunset. We'll go out and find some blood then," Angel promised, and left the room silently.

It was only when he was outside that he realised he'd forgotten to ask about Spike going in his room.

**Well? Was this a good beginning? I know it's not really gone anywhere in this chapter, it was just to sort of set things up for the next ones. If you wanna know what happens then you have to review. Also – my internet connection is down so I have to use the library computers. Which will make my updates painfully slow. Sorry for any inconveniences and it may be a while before I can update from home because my wonderful father isn't likely to set it back up for a loooong time.**


	2. 2

Spike watched Angel leave and threw a book at the door. Exactly what the book was doing in his room, Spike didn't know, but he threw it anyway.

Why did he always have to be so... big? Spike hated Angel. You could guarantee that anything Spike could do, Angel or Angelus could do ten times better. All his life Angelus had always been bigger, stronger, faster, cleverer, scarier and more powerful. Angelus had always been the dominant one. Nothing had changed now that he was Angel, except that he was maybe a little less scary.

Spike felt a tear in the corner of his eye and slammed his fist into the wall angrily. Why? Why why why? What had he ever done to deserve this inferiority?

_Will cowered beneath the towering figure of his Sire. "Please," he begged, flinching as Angelus raised his arm to run a hand through his hair. "I didn't mean to, it was a mistake –"_

_Will's head collided with the wall behind him and his eyes swam for a few seconds. He knew he'd been stupid again, and hated himself for it. "I'm sorry."_

_Angelus' fist came down once more, this time striking his nose with an ugly crack. "What was that, boy?"_

"_I-I'm sorry," Will sobbed, not even raising a hand to his broken nose._

_Angelus' expression didn't change. He hauled Will to his feet and pressed him to the wall, gripping him round the neck. "I told you to look after her. I told you to protect her." He took off his belt and spun Will round to face the wall. "Don't move. I want you to realise, boy, that when I say something, I mean it. Do you understand?"_

_Will nodded hastily. "Yes Sire."_

_Angelus brought the belt down with a crack, and Will screwed up his face in pain. "You were supposed to be taking care of her. But you couldn't manage that, could you, boy?"_

_Thwack!_

"_Could you?"_

_Thwack!_

"_N-no... Sire. S-sorry Sire." Will's voice was cracked with a sob and that just made Angelus strike harder._

_Thwack!_

"_Don't you dare cry in front of me, boy, you're pathetic."_

_Thwack!_

_Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!_

_It was only when Angelus had put away his belt and turned Will round that his face softened and he wiped away Will's tears with his thumb. _

"_Don't do it again," he said in a much softer voice, then left Will to crumple on the floor._

Spike didn't remember falling asleep. He opened his eyes... or he tried to. He blinked. Nothing. It was pitch black. Spike felt rather scared. He hadn't been in pitch darkness since before he became a vampire. His vampire abilities meant he could see in the dark, but tonight, he couldn't see anything at all. He got up to turn the light on, and bumped into the wall. He swore under his breath, then found the switch with his fingers. He flicked it. Still nothing. What the hell was going on?

Making it out to the hallway and still not being able to see, he yelled at the top of his voice. "ANGEL!!!!!"

"What was _that?!_" came Gunn's voice from downstairs, and he came leaping up the stairs two at a time. Wesley, Cordelia and Angel all followed, and Angel frowned at Spike.

"What?"

"What have you done to me?" Spike demanded.

Angel sighed. "Either explain what you're on about or shut up, I don't care."

"I can't see!" Spike wailed.

Gunn laughed, Angel and Wesley frowned.

"What do you mean you can't see?" Wesley asked with interest.

"I mean, everything is black! I've gone blind!"

Gunn raised his eyebrows. "Vampires can't go blind," he said, flicking the dagger he was carrying at Spike's face.

As quickly as only a master vampire can, Angel reached out and knocked the flying dagger out of its former collision course with Spike's unprotected and unaware face. It wasn't without injury though, slicing open half of his hand. He spun round, snarling at Gunn, his forehead rippling as he struggled to control his demon face. How dare that human throw a dagger at Angel's handicapped Childe? Sure, Angel may not like Spike, but Spike was his Childe and that undermined all else. The Sire/Childe bond was stronger than anything, and Gunn had just challenged it with a casual flick of his wrist.

"Don't try anything like that again," he growled, his voice low, before turning his attention back to Spike, whose unseeing eyes were wide and scared. He grabbed hold of Angel's arm and looked up at where he thought Angel was.

"What's happening?" he said in a small, scared voice.

Angel lifted Spike's face so that he was staring into his eyes. Their brilliant blue was gone, replaced with a sort of haze which covered the whole eye. "It's ok," Angel replied softly, shooting a dangerous look at Gunn, who turned and left the Hyperion all together.

"I can't see..." Spike whispered. He clutched at Angel's sleeve desperately.

Angel soothed him and spoke calmly, unaware of Cordy and Wesley standing nearby. "It's ok, Will, listen," he said, using Spike's fledgling name because when Spike was like this, Angel still thought of him as a fledgling. "Listen, take a deep breath, ok? Now, can you still smell me?" Spike nodded shakily. "And can you smell Cordelia and Wesley?" Spike nodded again, breathing out a sigh of relief.

"Are they here?"

"Yes, we're here," Cordelia said softly, realising that however much she hated Spike, he was in serious trouble right now.

"Sire?" Spike whispered, so quietly that only vampire hearing could pick it up. "Tell them to go away. I don't want them here."

Angel turned to his friends. "I'm sorry guys. Spike wants you to go."

Wesley looked as though he was about to speak, but Cordelia grabbed his arm and pulled him away.

Angel lead Spike through into his room, where Spike immediately felt less tense. The room was Sire scented and calming. Angel let go of him to sort out the bed and Spike clutched at the air suddenly.

"Where are you, where did you go?!" he said desperately, and Angel turned back to him and took his hands.

"I'm here, Spike, I'm not going anywhere yet."

Spike nodded, taking shaky breaths. "Right. Yeah. Not going anywhere." His voice was calmer but he gripped Angel's hands like a vice. Angel slowly moved one of Spike's hands onto his other arm and smoothed out the bed covers with his free hand.

"Sit down," he said, guiding Spike to the bed. Spike sat down silently and pulled his knees up. He shut his eyes, because they weren't doing any good open anyway.

"Why am I like this?"

"I don't know," Angel replied truthfully.

"I don't wanna be like this. I wanna be able to see, dammit!" Spike clenched his jaw.

"I'm sure Cordelia and Wesley are trying to work it out right now." Angel sat beside his Childe and thought about Spike.

He hated Spike. Spike was the single most irritating thing that had entered his life since 1898. Before that it was dirt and mess that really irritated him. Now it seemed it was Spike. But he also cared about Spike with a fierce possessiveness, and Angel knew that was part of the Sire/Childe bond they shared. Spike was _his. _Even Spike knew that, as he unconsciously nudged closer to Angel.

Spike's chest was rising and falling far far more than an average human, let alone a vampire. Angel knew it was because he was breathing in the scents around him, namely Angel's, and he smiled as Spike's head fell onto his shoulder.

* * *

**Thanks for all the support guys! I love you all. Sorry about the flashback but as anyone who's read Fledgling knows, I can't resist Angelus/William. Thanks again!**


	3. 3

**Hey guys, sorry it took so damn long for me to get this out... but guess what? You get three new chapters all at once! I tried to upload these first two last week at my cousins house, but duh! I forgot the floppy with them on. ::slaps forehead:: **

* * *

Angel carried Spike through into his own room and laid him on the bed. He then left and went back downstairs where Cordelia, Fred, and Wesley had been discussing Spike. They all looked up as he came in.

"Any idea's on what's causing it?"

Fred glanced at Wesley. "Well.... I've been lookin' into some stuff with Wesley, and we found somethin' about when someone's emotions are powerful enough, they can shut down their bodies. One thing at a time, and it would usually start with the eyes. I'm not saying that's what's happened to Spike... but someone touched by unnatural forces would be far more likely to experience it."

"And since Spike's a vampire, it puts him into that class," Wesley finished.

"Or it could just be a spell," Cordelia put in lightly.

"Or it could just be a spell," Wesley repeated with a sigh. "We don't know. There's no evidence to support the first theory, but it was just something Fred found in a book so we thought we'd mention it."

Angel nodded slowly. "Ok, well, you look into this mind thing then Fred, and Wes, you check out the spell idea." He turned back to Fred with a frown. "What do you mean by if someone's emotions are powerful enough?"

"Well, if a person – or a vampire – was angry or upset or depressed enough, they could feel so twisted up inside that it would start to shut down their body. It's a really interesting theory actually, it dates back to animal instinct, if they're so badly messed up that it's going to affect their lives, the body takes its own action."

"You don't think Spike feels like that do you?" Angel asked seriously.

Fred laughed lightly. "Nah, I don't think so. But there might be some way in which it affected him, if it was channelled into a spell or somethin'." She shrugged.

As they all drifted back to their various researches, Angel felt rather like a spare part. There was nothing for him to do; Fred and Wesley had the only books likely to have any helpful information in, and Cordelia had the computer. Not that Angel could've worked the computer properly even if he had the opportunity.

And so, Angel felt himself drawn once more back up to the sleeping vampire. He sat on the bed and watched Spike sleeping for a while, before realising what he was doing was slightly morbid, and went back to his own room where he could sit and sketch in private.

Unconsciously, he found himself drawing a lifelike black and white charcoal sketch of Spike. But his died white hair was gone, and was replaced instead with gentle curls which, had they been in colour, would have been golden. William. Angel looked at what he'd drawn in surprise. A sleeping William lay peacefully, his long eyelashes dark against his cheek. Strange, the things that art could bring out of a person.

A faint change in the scent of the air told him that Spike was awake, and jerked him out of his thoughts. He silently left his room, and closed the door to Spike's behind him. Then he waited for Spike to sense him.

Spike was curled into a ball, his eyes shut tightly, muttering to himself slightly. He didn't show any sign of knowing Angel's presence, and Angel decided he'd have to speak.

"Spike?"

Spike jumped visibly and looked in the direction of the voice. He hadn't detected Angel's scent on the air and it worried him, because the Sire smell was the strongest in the world to a vampire. To not smell your Sire – well, you'd have to be... senseless.

"Sire?" his unseeing eyes opened, and Angel was there, sitting beside him, holding his shoulder loosely. Spike swallowed hard and raised a hand to his Sire's face blindly. "Are you – is it you?"

Angel took his Childe's small hand in his own. "Yes, of course it's me. Can't you sense it?"

Spike shook his head. "No... Angelus – I think I'm losing my sense of smell too," he whispered quietly, worried.

"Don't worry, Cordy, Wesley and Fred are looking into it downstairs. You'll be ok soon."

"Really?"

Angel hated the was Spike's voice sounded. It was weak and, well, it was a fledgling voice. And Spike was not a fledgling, Angel told himself. Not anymore.

"Really. Just keep talking. You can still hear me can't you? We'll just keep talking," Angel soothed.

Spike relaxed slightly, feeling a lot calmer now Angel was holding his hand and touching him. "Talk about what?"

"Anything. Try... happy memories, anything that makes you remember something happy."

"I'm not sure if I have any of those," Spike said quietly. "My whole life has been one big piece of shit after another."

Angel frowned, feeling suddenly guilty for his own part in that. "But there's got to be something. Maybe even when you were human? Or with Dru?"

Spike shook his head. "My life as a human... well that was just crap. You know what it was like, you've lived there. And with Drusilla, sometimes it might have seemed perfect, but it was all false. She was mad, she never really cared about me at all." He paused. "Why am I telling you this? You know it all, you were _there_." Again, he paused, and then said a little quieter. "I guess... I remember one time. A happy memory. Some northern vamp tried it on with Drusilla. She came home screaming. Me and you, we went and ripped his entrails out. I..." Spike smiled slightly with the memory. "I hung his intestines round my neck like a scarf and wore them all the way home. It made you laugh so much that Darla had to go and visit a friend for the night."

Angel smiled. "I remember that too."

"I don't think you yelled at me or hit me once that night."

"No... I clipped your ear for being cheeky when we got back home though."

Spike laughed hollowly. "Yeah, but that didn't count cuz it didn't even hurt and you were laughing at the time." Both of them silently remembered the night with sad smiles, and then Spike rested his head against Angel. "Why can't we have that anymore?"

"Cos you're a pain in the ass?" Angel suggested lightly, but Spike didn't smile.

"I dunno... it seems all we do now is fight. Course, most of what we did before was you beating me up, but there were some good shags in there too, and..." Spike trailed off.

Angel clenched his jaw and tried desperately not to remember his time as Angelus. He was constantly fighting that part of his personality, and to have Spike remind him of it was just too much.

"I used to hate you so much. You made me feel stupid and worthless everyday, but it was only after you'd gone that I realised how much I needed that. Only then, I started to hate you more because you left me and Drusilla on our own. I thought maybe, if you came back, everything would be better." Spike fought the tears threatening to choke him and then continued bitterly. "But that wasn't the case as I found out in old Sunnydale. God, I hate you so damn much but I'm so pathetic that I can't stop needing you." He sat up and whacked the bed angrily with his fist.

"Spike," Angel started to say, his heart almost breaking with everything his Childe had just told him. "I can't do that anymore, we can't have what we once had, you know that. And it's not just me, it's you too. You're so much stronger now, if we tried to live together without Fred or Cordy, we'd end up driving each other insane. Look, we're even doing it now!"

"And whose fault is that?!" Spike yelled, getting angrier which just frustrated him even more because he couldn't see anything to glare at. "You're the one who had to get a stupid soul!"

"You think I asked for this?" Angel asked incredulously.

"Well if someone asked you if you wanted it taken away now, you wouldn't say yes would you?"

Angel paused, unsure what to say. Finally he admitted quietly, "Angelus would."

Spike let out a huge exasperated sigh and leant backwards against the bed's headboard, burying his face in his hands. "Why do you do that?" he asked, a little calmer. "Why do you act like Angel and Angelus are two different people?"

"Because they are," Angel replied simply, scooting up to sit beside him.

"But they're not! You are Angelus! You just took the 'us' off the end!" He shook his head faintly. "Why can't you see that?"

Angel thought about it. The reason he separated Angel from Angelus was because he didn't want to be like Angelus. But Angelus wasn't all bad, was he? All that stuff the Watchers wrote about him, they didn't know anything. Angelus cared about his Childer, in a manic, possessive, violent sort of way, and so did Angel. True, Angel didn't beat Spike to a bloody pulp all the time, and if he did it was for different reasons, but the underlying care was still there. Maybe Spike was right. After all, Spike could see things that other people couldn't, there were a million examples of that.

Angel hit his head against the wall. All the thinking was hurting his brain.

Spike jumped at the noise and his head jerked up like a frightened mouse. "What was that?"

"Me," Angel groaned, massaging his head with one hand. "Spike... I'm sorry. I... just don't like being reminded of who I am."

Spike grinned to himself. "I feel it my duty as a Childe to do things you don't like."

Angel almost smiled as he cuffed Spike lightly round the head.


	4. 4

Angelus trailed a finger lightly down the boy's throat and smiled wickedly. "Don't be scared. It's me."

William's eyes were huge and frightened. That was the way Angelus liked him. Scared.

"We're going to play a little game, my boy." Angelus couldn't take his eyes off his new creation. Darla would be so pleased to have such a beautiful boy around when she got home. He couldn't wait to show him to her, couldn't wait to show him off.

"A game?" William whispered.

Oh, he was just perfect! His voice, his fine bone structure, his icy blue eyes, his honey coloured curls... Angelus had only had him for two nights and already he was infatuated with the boy.

"Aye lad, a game. I'm going to ask a question, and you're going to answer it. If you get them right, you get a reward."

William swallowed. "W-what happens if I get them wrong?"

Angelus smirked cruelly. "Then we'll just play another little game. A much much more fun one." His smirk grew at the look of terror on Will's face. Oh this was almost as fun as playing with a human. Well, it was actually more fun because the boy was his now. His property. "Ok, first question... who am I?"

"You're Angelus."

"And...?"

"A vampire?" Will said desperately.

"Who am I, to you?"

"You're my Sire," came the answer definitely. William knew this one, Angelus had drilled it into his head for the past 48 hours.

"Good. What does that mean?"

"It means... that... you made me."

Angelus rolled his eyes. "Physically, yes, but what is else is there?"

"Um... a relationship?" Angelus nodded and gestured for Will to go on. "You're important, more important that me. And..." Will glanced at Angelus but looked away again quickly. "Um..."

Angelus could help but lean in and kiss the boy's gentle mouth softly. "I own you, boy. You belong to me," he whispered into Williams ear. Then he leant down and scraped Will's neck with his fangs. "What's this?" he asked, covering a finger in the blood that leaked from the boy's vein.

"B-blood," Answered Will, who was half in shock at how Angelus was acting.

"Yes, but whose blood?"

"Mi-" He stopped, remembering what Angelus had said. He wasn't stupid. "Yours," he answered firmly, and was rewarded with a gentle lick, closing up the wound on his neck.

"Yess..." hissed Angelus with a soft smile. "Mine." He got up and walked to the door. "Sleep now, my William."

* * *

"Sleep now, my William," Angel whispered, as he left the room where Spike was curled into a ball on the bed.

Spike had fallen asleep about half an hour ago tucked under Angel's arm. When Angel started to move to get up, Spike had woken, but didn't show it. Now, curled up on top of the bed covers, he desperately wanted Angel to be with him. Consciously, he knew he was being pathetic and clingy, but the childish part of him craved to feel safe, and he was currently anything but safe,

The blindness was getting more and more scary; so much darkness worried Spike, which, considering he was a creature of the night, was slightly illogical. He didn't like feeling so vulnerable and knew only that when Angel was around, he didn't feel so vulnerable.

Still, there was enough pride left in him to keep him from going downstairs and begging Angel to come back up. That was just about reaching unforgivable patheticness which if, God forbid, Cordelia found out about she would never let him forget it. There would be merciless teasing from the rest of them as it was, Spike didn't want to add to it. The conversations between him and Angel took place behind closed doors, and he wanted to keep it that way.

* * *

"Angelus!" Darla shrieked, and Will wanted to climb inside the grandfather clock next to him to hide. Quietly, he tried to tiptoe upstairs without attracting Darla's attention, but while concentrating on Darla, he walked straight into Angelus who was coming down from upstairs. Angelus pushed him roughly out of the way and paused halfway down the stairs as Darla came out of the drawing room, her face like thunder.

"That. Boy." She said shrilly, pointing at Will, who was still trying to escape. He cringed as Angelus picked him up by the scruff of the neck like a puppy and dragged him down the stairs. Angelus dropped him in front of Darla, and he straightened up, shaking himself – again, like a puppy.

"What has he done?" Asked Angelus calmly.

Darla pointed at the expensive green carpet where there was a distinct reddish stain.

Angelus rolled his eyes and took a deep breath. "William, go upstairs," he ordered, and the boy wasted no time in scampering up the two flights of stairs that lead to his room.

Once William was out of earshot, Angelus turned back to the furious Darla. "What do you want me to do?" he said calmly.

"What do you think!" Darla threw her hands into the air. "I want you to punish him, Angelus, and do it properly this time! He needs to learn that he absolutely will not get away with anything!"

Angelus rested a hand on her shoulder. "He's learning, sweet, I'm teaching him."

"Well, you're not teaching him very well are you?" Darla raised her eyebrows sceptically but her rage was lessened now. Angelus leant forwards and kissed her softly.

"I'm sorry," he said sincerely. "If I'd known he'd be such a nuisance I'd have chosen someone else."

Darla softened, smiling at him. "It's not your fault. You couldn't have realised he'd turn out to be such a useless fledgling."

Will clung to the banister on the next floor up, squeezing his eyes shut tightly to stop the tears. Angelus didn't want him anymore because he wasn't good enough. He heard Drusilla opening the door behind him and quickly wiped away the tears, turning to face her with a pretend smile on his face, before he heard the heavy sound of Angelus's feet coming up the stairs. William the bloody swallowed hard and turned to face the Sire who regretted turning his Childe.

* * *

Spike woke up with tears streaming down his face as he realised the cold truth. Angelus – and therefore Angel – never really wanted him. And now that he was blind and almost couldn't smell, Spike was just an annoying burden that Angel had to bear because of the soul.

Well not anymore. Spike wasn't going to get in the way anymore. Angel didn't care about him, and there was no point fooling himself otherwise. Blindly fumbling for the door, Spike opened it and listened intently. Everyone seemed to be asleep – it must be late. Angel was... Angel was in the bathroom, Spike surmised, which meant if he was silent enough, Angel wouldn't hear him leave.

Wait! The duster, his duster, where was it? Spike racked his brains to remember, but the answer didn't come. Ah well, he'd just have to find a different trademark. Maybe some dark glasses so people didn't notice his blindness.

Slipping through the door of the Hyperion into the outside world, Spike suddenly realised he didn't have a clue where to go.

He remembered the green demon Lorne and decided that Lorne's club was the best place to go. Caritas, he thought it was called.

Except... he didn't know the way. Crap. What a day he was having...

As he walked along the deserted street, the realisation of what had happened sunk in, and he felt like shit. He was a blind vampire in LA with no sense of smell, he didn't know the was round the city well enough to even find his way back to the Hyperion by now, and to cap it all, he was chipped.

Basically, he was screwed.

**Hmm... don't quite know what possessed me to write this chapter, I wanted to write something different, and I was pining for Angelus so I just had to bring him into it. Don't know if you liked this one much, it's a bit different from the rest! **


	5. 5

Angel rubbed his hair with the towel and paused in front of the mirror. It would be nice to be able to see what he looked like with different hairstyles. He found the gel and proceeded to apply it to his hair, styling it carefully.

Spike's hair gel had all come out too now, and his hair was all fluffy, Angel remembered. Actually, Spike could probably do with a bath. Yes, he decided, Spike needed a bath, and it would be best to do it now, when Fred, Cordy and Wesley weren't around.

Wrapping a towel round his waist, he crossed the hallway to Spike's room. Only Spike wasn't there. He checked his own room, thinking that maybe Spike had gone in there again, but still no Spike. Angel searched the entire hotel before cursing loudly and grabbing a pair of jeans and a T-shirt from his room, his duster from the lobby, and rushing outside to follow Spike.

He tried to use his sense of smell to track Spike, but there were so many different scents in the Los Angeles night that he couldn't distinguish Spike's.

"Stupid, stupid boy," he muttered, choosing a road and following it, hoping he might catch a glimpse of Spike's scent. "Why? Why the hell would he want to go out at night when he can't see anything?! Stupid..."

Finally, he caught the faintest glimmer of what smelt like Spike. Angel followed it at a run, and stopped when he saw Spike's distinct white hair with the dark roots starting to show. Spike was walking slowly, and Angel could smell his fear. He reached out and touched Spike's shoulder gently.

Spike felt something touch his shoulder and spun round, hitting the person full in the face. When the chip didn't fire, he swallowed hard, thinking it must be some kind of demon.

Angel caught Spike's arm and brought it down, putting a hand up to Spike's cheek. "Spike! It's me."

Spike frowned. "Sire?" he whispered disbelievingly, and Angel smiled.

"Yes. It's me, it's Sire, Sire's here."

Spike buried himself into Angel's chest and clung to the larger vampire like his life depended on it. Hot tears filled his eyes as he remembered how scared he'd been. "'M sorry, I never meant to run away, I swear I didn't please don't be angry please," he sobbed into Angel's coat, so muffled that Angel could hardly hear it.

"Come on. Let's get home," Angel said, but Spike didn't seem to want to move an inch away from Angel's body. He sighed as he realised he was going to have to carry the boy home.

Spike sat on the bed, wrapped in a towel and shivering as water dripped from his hair, down his face and off the end of his nose. He listened to Angel, who was searching through his drawers.

"Spike, do you have _any_ clothes that aren't made of some kind of denim?"

Spike simply looked forlornly in his direction from the bed.

Angel sighed once more and sat beside Spike. "Don't you know that denim is the worst possible material to sleep in?"

Spike shivered. "Told you. I don't 'xactly sleep in clothes."

Angel closed his eyes briefly and went back to the chest. "Well if you're going to sleep in my bed, you've gotta wear something." He tossed a pair of loose trackies at Spike, who shifted uncomfortably.

"I don't have to. I can sleep in my room."

"No, Spike. I'm not risking you going out again."

"So what, I'm a prisoner?"

"No..." Angel began, then changed his mind. "Yes. You're going to stay here until you're fully well again, then you can go out."

Spike felt the pants sullenly. "These won't fit," he mumbled.

"What was that?"

"I said these won't fit. I'm littler and skinnier than you remember?"

"Tough." Angel turned his back. "Put them on ok?"

Spike grumbled to himself as he heard Angel turning, and began to put them on. "Huh. 'S not like I've got anything you've never seen before," he muttered, and Angel pretended not to hear. When he had safely covered up body parts, he threw the towel at Angel, who turned back round again, picked up the towel and hung it over the radiator.

Then he came and sat beside Spike. "Are you going to tell me why you left?"

"No."

"Why not."

"It doesn't matter. Just... Angel, do you remember when I spilt blood on Darla's carpet?"

Angel frowned. "There were a lot of times when you did that."

"The green one," Spike prompted.

"I think so..." Angel said slowly. "What about it?"

Spike shifted again and hung his head awkwardly. "Well, um, I heard the conversation you had with Darla. I heard... what you said."

Angel frowned. "What did I say? Remind me, I can't remember."

"How could you not remember?" Spike asked incredulously, "You said... that you didn't want me. That if you had known what I'd be like then you wouldn't have turned me." His voice cracked and hid his face as Angel wrapped his arms around him and pulled him in.

"Oh Will, I said that all the time back then! I never really meant it!" He pulled Spike's face up. "Everything you did, everytime you made me angry, I hated it then, but afterwards it just made me love you even more."

Spike frowned, confused. "What do you mean?"

Angel smiled faintly. "You were always messing around, always getting into trouble and thinking up new ways to get out of it, and I loved you for it. I know it didn't seem that way at the time, but I did."

Spike gritted his teeth and shifted away once more. "I don't believe you. You're always messing with my head. Why can't you just leave me alone?"

Angel was slightly taken aback, and moved off the bed quietly. "Ok. If that's what you want."

Spike frowned worriedly as Angel left the room. "Angel, wait!" he said, but it was too late. Angel had left, and Spike heard the sound of a key in the lock.

Feeling lonely and deserted once more, he curled up and cried himself to sleep.


	6. 6

The door clanged shut as Cordelia came in brightly with bags of shopping.

"Okay!" she grinned at Fred, Wesley and Angel, who weren't really doing much. She set down the bags and began to unpack them. "Right. Now we have a bunch of comfy clothing for Spike," she said, tossing a bundle at Angel. "I'll leave that for you to deal with... and... blood," she threw four or five packets at Wesley, who then put them into the fridge. Providing a running commentary, she took items out of the bag and laid them on the table. "Sausages, aspirin, vinegar, light bulbs, toilet roll, new glasses for Wesley, AND... ta da!" she produced a pair of dark sunglasses from the bag. When the three of them looked at her blankly, she sighed. "For Spike? For the blindness, ya know? So people don't notice he has funky eyes."

"Ah," Wesley and Angel said together, and Fred smiled.

"That's real thoughtful of you Cordelia," she said shyly. "I'm sure Spike'll like them."

Cordelia smiled happily. "I know." She picked up the remainder of the bags. "I'll be upstairs. In my guest room."

"Uh, Cordy?" Angel started. "What exactly is in the rest of the bags?" he asked, nodding at the three bulging bags she carried.

"Huh? Oh, new outfits. I figured since you forgot to pay me last month's bonus, you wouldn't mind me spending the rest of the money you gave me for that lot." She flashed another smile, and departed upstairs.

Angel sighed and muttered under his breath. "She didn't _have_ a bonus last month..."

Fred picked up the glasses. "You want me to take some blood up for Spike? I'll take these too."

Angel nodded. "Thanks Fred." He glanced at the door, where it was now dark once more. "Hey Wes, do you mind if I go out and catch up with Gunn? I haven't seen him since..."

Wesley nodded. "Of course. I might go out too, if that's ok with you Fred? I may have a lead on what caused Spike's... problem."

Fred nodded as she emptied a packet of blood into a mug and put it in the microwave. "Sure. I'll see you guys later then."

Angel and Wesley left, and when the blood was warm, Fred took it upstairs with the glasses, and knocked on Spike's door.

"Spike? Are ya there? It's me, Fred."

"Come in," was the muffled reply. "'cept I think Angel locked the door."

She tried the door, and came in. "Nope, door's open." Spike was sitting on the bed, and she sat beside him. "I gotcha blood," she said, handing it to him carefully. "An' Cordy got these for you. They're dark glasses, to stop people noticin' you got funky eyes. Eh, not that you got funky eyes, that's just what Cordelia said. I think she meant your eyes being all outa focus an' having that filmy stuff over them an' all." She paused, and looked at Spike to check she wasn't freaking him out, but he seemed perfectly content to sip his blood and listen to her. "Anyways, Angel's gone out to find Gunn, I don't know why, and Wesley reckons he's got some lead on what might've happened to ya. He thinks its some kind of psychological spell, which means that it's to do with your inner feelings being channelled and stuff. It's really interesting actually..."

Spike smiled, and held the mug in both hands. He liked listening to Fred talk, it was almost comforting. It filled the empty silence, and even before he was blind, he liked the idea of someone actually enjoying and wanting to have a conversation with him. As she went on about the science and supernatural thesis, Spike began to drift off, thinking of Drusilla, and of Darla, and of Angelus.

Everything was so much simpler back then. It was easy, clear. Of course, it took him a full ten or twenty years to learn it, but being a vampire was more or less about status. Angelus may have seemed the leader of the group, but that didn't make him in charge. Darla was the highest ranker, simply because she was the oldest. Angelus sometimes forgot that, but Darla reminded him if he needed reminding. Then, at the bottom of the ranking, there was Spike. In fact, back in those days, he wasn't even on the rank, he was so low. He was right down in the dirt beneath them all.

Not that he realised any of this at the time. If he had, then years of beatings and torment could've been prevented.

* * *

Angel had tracked Gunn's scent to this building. There were other people in there with him, members of Gunn's crew most likely. If they were living there, then he wouldn't be able to enter, but he had a suspicion that they weren't. There was the smell of other vampires around the place. Angel guessed it was a lair, and the Gunn and his guys had come to clean them out. He decided to wait around for them, leaning on the wall opposite the house.

It was roughly two minutes before Gunn and his crew came out, high fives and grins all round. Angel stayed out of sight until they were all on the van, then stepped out of the shadows just as Gunn was about to get in. Gunn spotted him first, and walked towards him slowly, stopping about ten yards away.

"Angel," he nodded a greeting warily.

One of the guys called out. "Hey Gunn, you gonna be ok?"

"Yeah. You guys go on, I'll catch you up."

The guy turned back to the van and soon Angel and Gunn were left alone.

"Listen, Gunn, what I said to you the other day... I may have over reacted."

Gunn looked away. "You think?"

"But what you did could've seriously hurt him." Gunn opened his mouth to protest, but Angel carried on. "Spike's my Childe and I have to protect him. You get that right?"

Gunn frowned. "You wanna protect an evil vampire, just because you made him? I don't think I do."

"He's chipped," Angel replied lamely.

"So what?!"

"Plus, he's changed. Spike's special. He can... feel things."

Gunn scoffed. "Great," he muttered, staring at the ground. An awkward silence filled the gap. "Look, Angel," he began finally, "I know it was stupid of me to throw it at Spike. But I've never really liked the guy, you know that, and I hate the way he always wants attention."

Angel nodded, not wanting to turn the conversation into a debate about Spike. "I know. But I just wanted you to know that I overreacted. And whenever you're ready... Fred, Cordy and Wes miss you." He turned to walk away, but didn't miss what Gunn said next.

"When I'm ready."


	7. 7

Wesley sat up sharply, holding his breath in suspense. "Fred?" he called, and the Texan appeared shortly.

"What is it?"

"Look," Wesley said, pointing at the text. "I think I've figured it out…"

"Spike?"

He spun round at the sound of Angel's voice. "Where did you go?" he asked accusingly. "You were gone for ages."

"Only an hour, Spike," Angel said, sitting down next to the other vampire.

"Well, it didn't seem like that," came the childish reply, and Angel sighed.

Suddenly a bang went off, and Spike jumped like a startled cat, grabbing Angel's arm with his deathly tight grip. "_Whatwasthat?!?_" Spike half whispered.

"Fireworks, Spike, they're fireworks."

"Why?"

Angel frowned. "Maybe it's someone's party." Another loud bang went off and Spike burrowed into Angel's shoulder. Angel was surprised. It wasn't like Spike to be scared of fireworks. After all, he'd loved them in China that one time. "Spike? Are you ok?"

Spike's reply was muffled, but Angel heard it. "Can't see where they are. Sounds like they're in my head."

"In your head?" Another bang, this time followed by a succession of three.

Spike nodded, clasping his hand to his head and pressing his head into Angel's upper arm. Angel remembered something Cordy'd told him about how you shouldn't comfort a dog that was scared of fireworks, because it reinforced the need for comfort. He tried pushing Spike away gently, but Spike clung to him like a limpet, and Angel gave up. Spike wasn't a dog.

Fred's voice carried up the stairs to him. "Angel? Wes reckons he's found something? You gonna take a look?"

Angel glanced at the terrified Spike curled in his lap and then at the door. "Spike? I'm going to go downstairs ok? I'll leave you here in my bed, I'll only be downstairs."

"Promise?"

"I promise, ok?"

Spike didn't answer, so Angel tucked him into the bed covers and went downstairs quietly.

"Ok, what've we got?" he asked business like to Wesley, who picked up a couple of books and pointed out references while he spoke.

"Right, well, I think the spell is very very closely linked to you, Angel. See here, where it says about shutting down the body like Fred mentioned? Well I researched that further and it turns out that it doesn't have to be depression that causes it, it can be insecurity, or a lot of things really." He paused and flicked through a couple of pages. "And I think that because of the bond you two have, and the changes that both of you have been through, it's affecting Spike."

"How do you mean," asked Angel, who wasn't quite following it.

"I mean, that the last time Spike was living with you, it was as Angelus and William, Sire and Childe. Now you're living together again, but as Angel and Spike, two perfectly strong, powerful, master vampires in your own rights. It's messing up Spike's brain because once a Fledgling grows up, and becomes a master vampire, there is no chance of it living with the Sire, you see? Spike can't quite figure out if he should be playing power games with you, like two master vampires usually would, or being the Fledgling he once was."

Fred listened Wesley thoughtfully then turned to Angel who was still a little confused. "He's tried both, but he's not strong enough to be the one in charge, and you're too soulful to be his Sire – at least, not the way he remembers it."

Angel nodded slowly. "I think I understand. So what do we do?"

Wesley glanced at Fred. "This is the difficult bit. Nowhere in any of my books is there any mention of how to reverse this condition. There are spells to reverse it when the cause is depression, but this is more of a… confusion, possibly insecurity. I need someone to help me _write_ a spell to reverse it. I have some ideas, but I'm no magick worker."

"What about Giles?" Angel suggested, but Wesley shook his head.

"I was thinking maybe Willow. I hear she's becoming quite a good little witch. She has power, and the intelligence to weave all the bits of information together to create a new version of the spell."

"Who's Willow?" Fred asked suddenly. As Angel explained to her who Willow was, Wesley made a phone call and came back a few minutes later to say that Willow would arrive in a couple of days; she had some thing she had to do and then she would set off.

Once Angel was satisfied it was sorted, he left them and went back upstairs to see Spike.

**Ok guys, really short chappy here - sorry, I just thought it made more sense for Willow to arrive in a seperate chapter. Sorry my updates are taking so long - I was ill for a while and I have to catch up with all my school work. Ciao guys, remember to leave a review, luv me.**


	8. 8

Willow pulled up next to the Hyperion and took a breath. Last time she had been here it was to tell Angel that Buffy was dead. Spike had disappeared from Sunnydale almost as soon as he found out Buffy was alive, and she understood now that he must've been staying with Angel. Wesley had mentioned something on the phone about Spike being seriously ill and needing magick to heal him.

She knocked on the door, but realised it was probably not going to be heard, so she opened it and walked it. "Hello? Angel?"

A female voice answered from a room out the back. "Hang on a minute, I'll be right with you."

A couple of seconds later, Fred appeared behind the desk. Willow recognised her as someone who had been with angel a few months ago when she had come to tell Angel about Buffy. Fred smiled and stepped forwards. "Oh hi! You're Willow right? I thought you might be a client or somethin, so I just had to make sure Spike was ok. Angel and Wesley are out so it's just me and Spike around right now. He's actually come downstairs for the first time in about a week today but he's not in a great mood. You wanna see him?"

Willow smiled at the strange Texan girl who couldn't stop talking. "Sure. Is that ok? What's actually happened?" As she set her bags down, Fred explained to her about Spike's condition, and Wesley's theory. Willow listened to the last part intently, nodding occasionally.

"Yeah… I think I've read something similar but I'd like to see Spike first, and then when Wesley gets back I can go over it with him."

Fred nodded. "'Kay. Just wait there a minute…" she went back to where she had been, in the office, and walked quietly over to Spike.

He had gotten out of the chair somehow, either he fell, or he deliberately climbed off, but he was sitting against the wall with his forehead resting on his knees. He didn't look particularly anguished, just tired.

"Spike? Willow's here to see you."

His head flew up. "Red's here? What's she doing here? She can't see me like this!"

Fred crouched beside him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Willow's gonna help get your senses back. She wants to talk to you. Will you talk to her?"

Spike shook his head. "Where's Angelus?" he demanded.

"Angel's out Spike, remember? He and Wesley went to fight some yukky demon."

"When's he coming back?"

"Soon."

Spike sighed and then nodded. "Red can come in then."

Fred smiled, and went to get Willow, who followed her back in, unsure of what she would see.

"Hi Spike," she greeted him quietly. Fred looked between them and slipped out of the room unnoticed.

Spike sniffed the air, hoping to catch a glimpse of Willow's scent, but he got nothing. Not even the wonderful Sire smell that filled this whole hotel. "Red," he acknowledged her, although he had no idea where she was.

"Spike? Can I have a look at your eyes?"

He shrugged. "Whatever." As he felt Willow opening his eyes and looking at them he felt strange and realised how hungry he was. She was so close… her neck must be about – "ahh!" he reeled back in pain. Clearly the chip was still working. He tasted blood on his lips and he realised what he'd done as Willow stood up and left the room.

Spike heard Willow talking to Fred outside, and then the turn of a key in the lock. He was locked in. Locked in because he was dangerous and evil, even if he was blind. Curling up once more, the absence of Angel was starting to get to him. All he wanted was a hug and his Sire's strong arms to protect him from the darkness.

Angel smiled when he saw Willow in the lobby. "Hi Willow, glad you could make it," he said as he came through the door, but Fred gave him a cold look.

"What's wrong?" he asked, immediately dropping his weapon and walking over. The mark on Willow's neck told him all he needed to know. "Stupid boy," he growled, marching towards the door. When he discovered it was locked, he kicked it down.

Spike was in the corner now and started when the door crashed down.

"What did you do that for?" Angel snarled, anger in his voice, and Spike was afraid.

* * *

"_What did you do that for!!!!!" Angelus clouted the fledgling over the head with his iron fist and Will's true face slid away to reveal the scared, human visage. His blue eyes watched Angelus' fists warily and he wiped the blood away from his mouth._

"_You should know by now that it's unheard of for a Childe to feed from their sire!"_

_Angelus' rage was a horrible thing. Will took three more blows to the face before staggering back out of reach. He was two days old and making more mistakes than he could count. The bite marks on Angelus' neck were still dripping blood and Will's bloodlust was rising once more. That was what had got him into this mess in the first place, he couldn't control the bloodlust. _

_As Angelus continued to beat him into a pulp, he tried to remember what he'd done. He'd been hungry, really really hungry, and Angelus had leant over him to get the box of cigars… and then he'd just lunged at his Sire's neck because it was there and he could smell the blood, the Sire's blood, the magick that had made him who he was. Only then Angelus had pushed him off in fury. It wasn't Will's fault that he didn't know that was forbidden. Angelus should've been more specific._

"_Stupid, stupid boy!" One more beat sent Will crashing to the floor in a heap. Angelus stood over him as if waiting for something._

"'_M sorry mister Angelus, I was just hungry and –"_

"_It's Sire, to you, boy, and you'd better learn to control that bloodlust or you'll be in a lot more trouble than you're worth."_

* * *

"Angel, wait, it wasn't really his fault, he was just hungry," Willow said, putting a hand on his arm.

Angel ignored her, pulling Spike up by one arm and holding him by the shoulders. "Why did you do it? Do you not realise this is Willow?" there was still anger imminent in his voice, but Spike was glad the violence hadn't started yet.

"I was hungry," he replied defiantly.

"So you bit Willow?" Spike swallowed but didn't reply as Angel continued. "Spike, Willow is here to help you! I can't believe you bit her! I thought you were trying to be good! She's going to help you get better!"

Spike clenched his teeth, then punched Angel straight in the face. Angel staggered back, surprised. "I don't need people telling me I'm wrong when I already know that I am!" Spike yelled in his face. "I'm still evil, I haven't got a soul like you! That's something you keep forgetting – I'm still a vampire and I still get the bloodlust, you know what that's like Angel, so don't tell me you don't." Spike drew in a sharp breath and swallowed again. "I'm sorry Willow," he said quietly, then went upstairs pretty quickly for someone who had to feel where they were going.

"It's ok Angel," Willow said softly. "He'll calm down in a bit and then we can figure out the best way to help him." Angel didn't answer, just stared up the stairs where Spike had gone. "I'm sure it's just another side effect, he didn't mean to…"

"He hit me," Angel said, dazedly. "He… he hit me." The look on his face was something in between shock and confusion.

"Well… you were shouting at him. You know what Spike's like, he resents people shouting at him," Willow tried to justify it, but Angel went even paler than normal.

"I shouted at him," he echoed, then turned to Willow. "It wasn't his fault, I'm really sorry, Willow, but it's a vampire thing, it wasn't his fault and I shouted at him for it."

"That's ok," Willow said graciously, and Angel glanced upstairs again. Should he go after him? Spike was no doubt angry and upset about what had just happened. He needed a Sire.

* * *

**I really wanted to get this chapter up before Christmas, but Christmas eve came and then I had to go away for a week, but now I'm back and here's the next chapter. I know it could be improved quite a lot, I'm not so happy with it but maybe I'll go back and change some of the wording a bit later. BIG thank you to everyone who reviewed, it means a lot. And my other fics – I am still writing them, it's just taking a long time.**

**Roz**


	9. 9

"Will? I'm sorry," Angel said quietly, closing the door behind him.

Spike spun around furiously. "Don't call me that!" he snapped. Angel knew from that moment that this could take some time.

"Ok. Sorry Spike." He wasn't quite sure what to say. For a few seconds the two of them stood there, Spike's jaw clenched in anger, Angel standing facing him. Eventually Angel took a few steps forwards and put a hand on Spike's shoulder. Spike shrugged it off.

"You can go now," he said coldly, turning away. "You've said sorry – and I bet it was Willow who made you come up here in the first place." His voice was bitter and hollow.

Angel moved up a hand and brushed aside Spike's hair. Since he'd come here, the hair had been slowly but surely growing, as if it was desperate to form back into those honeyed curls that made Spike look so much younger. It was already half way there, with the golden roots starting to overtake the peroxide bleach.

"Willow didn't send me. She's downstairs."

"Angel?" Spike's voice was different now. He sat on the corner of the bed, his head hanging down.

"Yeah?"

"I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to bite her neck, I just…"

Angel caught Spike's chin in his hand and pulled his face up. His boy's beautiful blue eyes were covered in the milky haze, and Angel felt a surge of guilt. "I know. It's ok."

"So why did you shout?"

He paused. Truthfully, he had no idea. "I don't know Spike. I shouldn't have got so angry. Willow's a friend, that's all."

Spike swallowed and the two of them then sat together in silence for a while.

"What's the soul like?" Spike finally asked, as if it were a question he would ask anyone, like 'what's your name?'

Angel was thrown. "Well… it hurts. It makes me feel guilty… you know all this Spike, why are you asking?"

He shrugged. "I've never had one."

"You did when you were human," Angel pointed out.

Spike let out a breath slowly. "I don't remember that. All I know is being a vampire. I can be evil, but when I am, people hate me for it. And I can't be good because I don't know how, you know?"

Angel nodded. "I think so. But… having a soul doesn't make it any easier, Spike. It just tries to stop you from doing bad things, it doesn't make you a good guy."

There was another silence, then Spike let out a small, bitter laugh. "Darla hated it. I remember, when you went away –" He stopped, realising what he'd said, and shook his head. "Never mind," he muttered. A few minutes later he turned his head up, reaching out to touch Angel's face with his fingertips. "Is it still you?" he whispered, almost to himself, sounding young and innocent. "Are you still in there?"

Angel knew who he was talking about. This was no longer Spike and Angel, it was William searching for Angelus. He smiled. "Not long ago, Will, you were the one telling me that Angelus and I were one and the same."

Spike took his hand away and shrugged. "Maybe you are. What happened downstairs, that's what Angelus would've done. But coming back up here and apologising… maybe that's not."

But maybe it is, Angel thought to himself. He could remember times when Angelus had taken care of the fledgling. Apologising to his Childe was just slightly too low for a master vampire, but there were times when Angelus had just been comforting.

Of course, most of the time he shouted at the boy, or hit him. It's not like he didn't deserve it.

Spike wished Angel would just leave. He wanted to be alone. Eventually, Angel said he was going downstairs, because he had heard Wesley come in and wanted to check he and Willow were ok with working on the spell.

Once he'd left, Spike lay down on the bed. Being blind, there wasn't much he could do in the room so he figured he would sleep. He just hadn't accounted for the dreams.

"_Where's Daddy gone, Spike?" Dru asked girlishly._

_Spike shrugged. "I dunno." He didn't look at her, being to preoccupied with what had just happened. Darla and Angelus must've had a fight, which meant that Darla would most probably walk out on them for a while, leaving Angelus with his Childer. This was a good thing, because Spike hated Darla._

_Only it was a pretty big row, if Darla's temper was anything to go by. When Spike had brought Drusilla in, half an hour ago, Darla was in the middle of smashing things against the wall. When she heard them, she spun round and snarled at them to get out of the way, before storming outside._

_Spike looked around at the mess she'd made. "Come on, Dru, we'd better clean this up before Angelus gets back." He'd only tell them to clear it up once he got back anyway, better to do it first so they had more time._

_Only Angelus didn't come back that night. Or the next night, or the next. Darla was nowhere to be seen either. Spike grew more and more agitated everyday, and tried his best to hide it from Drusilla, who would often break into fits, screaming that she wanted Angelus._

_Finally Darla turned up, a week later, and acted as if everything were normal. She went out by herself, hunted, fed, then came back and spent the day sleeping or reading. The next night she took them on a huge massacre to kill a gypsy clan nearby. Spike had a great time, until he got home and Darla told him furiously that he was stupid, useless and any other adjective she could think of, threatening to stake him if he ever displeased her again. _

_After that night, Spike and Dru tiptoed around her for a full month until Spike decided to pluck up the courage to ask her about Angelus. Drusilla was lying in her bed – Spike had put her there after she'd wailed for a full fifteen minutes – and Darla was reading one of her poetry books. Spike sidled up to her quietly._

"_Madam?"_

_She looked up. "What is it William?" she snapped irritably._

"_Well, erm… Dru and I… we were wondering, when's Angelus getting back? And where is he?"_

_Darla's eyes flashed and she stood up quick as lightening. She pushed Spike against the wall by his neck, glaring into his face. "Angelus is not coming back. He is gone."_

"_What, you mean – he's dead?" _

"_Probably, I don't know. I don't know where he is." Darla released him and turned away before speaking again, this time with a softer voice. "I'm sorry, William."_

_Spike blinked back tears. Angelus had to be dead. He wouldn't just desert them. "Where is he? Where did you last see him? This is about the gypsies isn't it?"_

_Darla spun round again, the warning look on her face. "Just accept it, Will! Angelus is not coming back. He's left, for good."_

"_I don't believe you!" Spike shouted at her. There was no way Angelus would just leave his Childer without saying why._

"_Then find out for yourself," Darla told him. "But someone has to look after Drusilla."_

"_What?" Spike stared after her. This was blackmail. Either he stayed, and looked after the love of his unlife, or he went to search for his Sire. He toyed with the decision for days, but in the end, Darla won, and he stayed with Drusilla. Maybe if Angelus wasn't around, Dru would turn to him for comfort._

But no matter what, in the century to come, Drusilla would always think of Angelus first, and Spike would come second. That century with Dru was the best of Spike's life, but he never really had her. She was always Angelus'.

Spike woke up quietly and thought about the dream. It was true. Everything he loved, he was only given when Angelus – or Angel – was finished with it. Like the little brother who gets all the hand-me-downs or the broken toys that the older one got bored of. Spike didn't see it as being unfair though. It was Angel's right as a Sire to have whatever he wanted before Spike got it. And Spike's duty as a Childe to stand by and let him, even if it was the one thing he wanted in the world. Like a soul.

**So? Did you like it? I decided to bring in the soul aspect of it because obviously Spike's having difficulty with the whole 'being good without a soul' issue so he's going to want a soul. And I've been watching the Angel flashbacks to when Angel got his soul and Darla's reaction so I wanted to fit Spike and Dru in there. I PROMISE in the next chapter Willow and Wes will come up with a solution and you're not going to like it.... hee hee evil me.....**

**Now review - I have 70somthing so far so can we make it 100 before I finish the story? luv ya! xx**


	10. 10

Hey guys... I'm SO sorry for the lack of updates - I swear I am writing them... suffering I think from what they call 'writers block'... which is why I'm not happy with this chapter. It's not well written, and it's so frustrating that I can't get into the right mind frame to write well. But I thought it was unfair making you wait longer, so here it is. Only one more chapter to go, and then I'm planning to finish this one off. God knows I've got too many fics running at the moment. :-D enjoy!

* * *

Willow grinned and flung her arms around Wesley. "We did it!" then she realised what she was doing and stopped. "Sorry. I get excited when things work. Do you think Angel will agree to it?"

Wesley sighed. "No. But he's really got no choice has he."

"Poor Spike. I wish there was an easier way…" Fred's gentle nature thought out loud.

Then Angel came up from behind. "An easier way?" he echoed.

"Angel!" Fred jumped. "We were just saying that…"

Willow put a hand on Fred's shoulder to shush her, and then looked at Angel. "We've done it – we've written a spell that hopefully should bring Spike back to the way he was."

"Great – but what do you mean by an easier way?" Angel said, glancing at Wesley.

Willow took a breath. "It's painful, and lonely – Spike's gonna hate it."

Angel swallowed. "It's ok – I'll be there the whole time."

"Actually…" Wesley began, "You won't. Angel, the spell rests on finding security where there IS no security. In order to help Spike, we can't let him feel secure."

"But surely it doesn't matter if I'm there or not!" Angel protested lamely.

Fred rested a hand on his arm and spoke gently. "It's all linked to you, Angel. Spike's… problem is directly linked to you. That's why you can't be there."

Angel frowned. His voice was soft and deep. "Exactly how much is this going to hurt him?" Willow glanced at Wesley nervously. "Just tell me."

She swallowed, watching his face. "A lot," she confessed, "But it's the only way."

Angel nodded and turned round. "When can you do the spell?"

"Tonight, if we get the right equipment."

"And where do you want me to be?"

"As far away as possible," Wesley instructed. "Take Fred and Cordy out somewhere – we want as little people around as possible"

Angel simply nodded again and left through the front door. No use protesting. If he wanted Spike back the way he should be, this was the only option. Wesley and Willow left to get the necessary ingredients and implements, and Fred started to do some office work.

About ten to three, Angel strolled back in again with a box in one hand.

"What's that?" Fred asked.

"Video camera," Angel replied, not bothering to explain where he'd got it, why he'd got it or even how – considering it was the middle of the day.

Spike was bored. He'd done angry, sad, pathetic and upset so many times over the past few days they were starting to bore him. So now he was just bored. He spent most of the time sleeping, occasionally thinking about going downstairs to join people, but chickening out in the end. There wouldn't be much point anyway. Maybe if he made another den…

He _was _starting to feel better. If he pushed the bed against the wall… and the chest on top of the bed and the wardrobe the other side then he could hang the bed sheets over –

"BLOODYBLOODYBLOODYBLOODYBLOODYHELL!"

Angel was through the door in a heartbeat. "Spike!"

Spike was clutching his head with both hands. "OW! The bloody wardrobe fell on me!"

Angel began to laugh as he surveyed the room. "Spike? You were making another den weren't you?"

Spike scowled. "I'm in PAIN here, can't you see?"

"You shouldn't move heavy objects when you're blind! Are you ok?"

"Well I've got a bruise the size of Japan on my head but other than that I'm fine." Spike spat, finding his way back to the bed and pushing the chest off unceremoniously so that it crashed onto the floor and spilt half its contents all over the room.

Angel growled suddenly. "William! Behave!" he said with his most dangerous voice. "That wasn't necessary!" He saw Spike flinch, but disguise it. Then he left, and returned two minutes later with the video camera and began installing it into the wall. Spike didn't even notice, he was too busy huffing.

That evening, Willow and Wesley saw Angel, Cordy and Fred out of the door before going back upstairs.

Angel had compromised for not being there by setting up the video camera so that it was being transmitted to Caritas, where he and the girls would be watching what was going on in the room. Lorne had even shut down for the night for the sake of friendship.

Back in the Hotel, Wesley opened the door to Spike's room. Spike was lying on the bed facing the wall and jumped when Willow touched his shoulder.

"Spike? We're going to try and heal you now. It's a spell that we think will work… but it's going to be painful."

Spike hardly responded. "Where's Angelus?"

"He's not here," Willow said gently, glancing fleetingly at Wesley.

"Bastard," Spike muttered. "I knew he didn't care."

Wesley could see that Willow wanted to reply in reassurance that Angel had wanted to be there, but they couldn't afford that. He quickly took her out the room and whispered to her. "We have to be harsh, that's the only way. Think of it as acting the villain."

"But I can't act!" Willow said lamely, as Wesley ignored her and she trooped after him into the room.

Spike was now lying on his back and turned as they came back in. "Where do you want me?"

"On the bed," Wesley answered. "We need to tie you to it." His voice was stoney and unemotional.

Spike allowed them to tie his hands and feet to the bed – he wasn't sure how they did it because his hands were still at his sides, not above his head, so they must have something to tie them to at the sides of the bed. Then he waited.

In Caritas, Fred and Cordy watched Angel watch the screen. He was tense and when Cordy offered him a drink he almost snapped at her. "Come on Spike, you can do it," he was murmuring to himself.

Willow began the spell and all of a sudden Spike almost leapt out of the bed. "GAAAARRRGH!" he yelled, his body stiffening.

Angel gripped his seat. If it hadn't been so serious, Fred would've said he looked like someone at a suspenseful movie.

Then his body went limp and Spike almost spat at Willow. "What was that for?" He heard some muttering of words he didn't understand, and then it was as if the room completely disappeared.

The complete darkness Spike had been living in for the past week or so intensified and all sound was killed. This time there was no pain, but everything was completely and utterly empty. "Willow?" he called, and couldn't even hear his own voice. "Wesley! Angel?" Still there was no sound. Spike swallowed. He tried to scream, and although his voice and body seemed to be in perfect working order, there was no sound. He rolled onto his side as much as was possible considering the restraints, and tried to wait it out, but the more he did so, the creepier it became. "ANGEL!" he tried again, but still there was no sound. A small, icy, unpleasant feeling crept slowly into his stomach. It began to spread, sending a chill through his body. Spike felt as if something was inside him, taking him over with its terrifying shadow. As it gripped his heart, his eyes widened in fear and he tried to scream, but there was still no sound. By now he was almost paralysed with the paranoid horror that was seizing his body. Although there was nothing to be afraid of, nothing that should cause this kind of inexplicable reaction, the emotion he was experiencing was one of pure, undiluted dread.

"ANGEL!" he tried yelling at the top of his voice. He yelled and yelled but could hear nothing. Eventually the yells diminished into whimpers. He was terrified of being stuck in this place, of spending eternity with no sound, no light, no feeling. Just… nothing.


	11. 11

**Right. This is it. The final chapter. Short, but I damn hope effective. Then again, probably not. Oh well, I hope you enjoy it anyway and I hope you had a good time reading it... AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE REVIEWS! 107! That's my record, even more than Fledgling ever got! And that had more chapters! maybe I'm getting popular! starry eyes Although, again I'm not happy with this chapter, I never really am any more so there's no point holding it back.**

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**Angel got up suddenly. He didn't take his eyes of the screen, off his boy writing and screaming in pain and fear. When Spike called out 'Angel', he almost left right then to go back, but Cordelia held his arm. 

"It's the only way," she murmured and he complied reluctantly.

Spike began to whimper and Angel had to close his eyes. It was killing him, watching Spike in pain. He'd abandoned his Childe; he'd left him at the hands of two people Spike didn't trust.

* * *

_Where is Angel? Where's my Sire? Why isn't he here why didn't he come? He's left me, he doesn't care any more, and I'm so scared - I need my Sire…_ "ANGEL WHERE ARE YOU!"

* * *

"I'm here, Spike, please!" Angel almost screamed at the CCTV screen. His heart was being ripped from him. Spike couldn't hear him. He was failing his duty as a Sire, he was leaving him Childe hurt and confused…He'd done it once before as well. Abandoned his Childer, abandoned his William.

After what felt like hours of agonising watching, Angel realised it was over. It was all over. Spike was still lying curled as much as was possible on the bed, but Willow turned the camera and nodded.

"It's done," she said, and Angel didn't need anymore. He was out of Caritas and back at the hotel within three minutes.

He charged upstairs and into the room where Spike was, closing the door gently and resting a hand on his Childe's shaking body.

"Will? William, I'm here, it's ok."

Spike turned over, his eyes full of tears. For the first time in so long, they looked straight at him, bright and shining. "Angelus? Why did you leave me?" His voice was wavering, held back, almost accusing.

Angel bit his lip, almost crying himself at the relief that Spike was back to normal. "I didn't – I mean, I did, I had to Will, for the spell to work, but I was watching the whole time." He pointed at the camera still in the corner of the ceiling. "See?"

Spike's eyes found it, and looked from Angelus to the Camera and back. "You… you never came. I called and called but you didn't come."

Angel pulled his Childe towards him and buried his face in Spike's beautiful hair. "I know," he said, desperately fighting tears, "I know, Will, I know, I wanted to baby, I wanted to so much but I couldn't. You needed to feel like that to get the spell to work, Will – I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I promise I'll never leave you again, every time you call I'll come."

"Like before?" Spike asked quietly, and Angel knew exactly what he meant.

"Like before," he confirmed. "Angel and Spike, Angelus and William, Sire and Childe. Like before, I promise. Exactly like before."

* * *

**For Eleanor. **


End file.
